The Haunting Memories.

I'm being haunted.
Haunted by memories.
The nightmares seem to get worse & worse now.
In the past, the dreams have been a little more simple.
Not so complicated, with images & screams to try to make out.
I feel like I should be over everything with my brother,
but I guess the fact that I still feel like I'm being haunted by it all shows I'm not.
I can't say I go everyday without thinking about him & where he is & why he's there.
Or even how I wish I could made him a different person.
But all those thoughts usually don't affect my day at all. It's nothing really.
I mean yea, it's a thought, like "oh, I have to do laundry today."
Nothing more than that.
But at night, when I close my eyes, all I see are images.
Images of evil things. Evil doings. Evil people.
All surrounding him.
Last night was the worst.
My heart is still beating a little fast & any little noise is making me jump.
These night terrors become more real the more I have them.
Every image get's engraved into my brain so I see it every time I close my eyes.
Try to avoid blinking the whole day.
Physically this is wearing me out.
Not to mention the psychological damage that's been done.
I feel like I'm crazy, when I know I'm just trying to cope.

Last night went like this:

The lights are dim.
The sky is gray & a light snow is falling.
I'm standing in my parents kitchen looking into the dinning room.
I can hear my mom yelling at my dad in their bedroom & I could tell it was going to be a long night.
Then from the corner of my eye,
there he is.
Even the way he walks in my dreams disturbs me.
He moves slow like he's powerful & no matter how fast you run, he'll get you.
He glides in a way, but yet still walks like he's been hurt.
The way he moves is not human.
It's evil.
So he's in front of me now. & all I can do is stand there, because every time I see him, I freeze.
He has a grin on his face. His mouth is full of blood. His lips look as if he has been in a fight.
They're bruised & bloody & a bit swollen.
But yet he grins.
He has pride in the fact that he knows what he can do to me.
What he can do to this family.
His grin says a thousand words.
It tells me what he's thinking, without giving away exactly what he will do.
Everything is a mystery.
No one ever knows what he's thinking or what he'll do.
And that blood filled grin was enough to tell me that I should run.
It was the grin that made the hairs on my neck stand up.
It made the cold wind force itself against my spine.
So with every bit of energy I had I took a step back.
As he moved forward.
Then I saw his eyes.
They were a deep faded shade of blue.
His eyes were pale. They were sick. They were angry. They were dead.
He reminded me of a zombie.
He was obviously alive but everything about him, from his features to the air around him was dead.
His skin was decayed. His eyes were cold. His clothes had holes, as if he's been wearing them for years.
Now I can tie this in to my fascination with zombies, but I don't think this is what it was at all.
This dream was different. It was deeper than that.
So as I stand against the sink, with no place to run, he looks at me & grins & says, "I hate you."
Simple as that.
& at that very moment, my heart sinks, my eyes tear up, & I say back, "I don't care."
Knowing damn well, dream or not, those words meant everything to me.
So he grins harder, knowing that this is just the start of it all.
My mom comes into the kitchen & tells him to leave me alone.
To just leave the house.
He turns around & tells her to shut up.
As quick as he turns his head, my mom is quiet.
My dad holds my mom as she cries & hopes that I have enough courage to stop my brother myself.

I don't.

He walks away & tells us all that he won't be far.
"I'll always be close.
I'll always find you.
I'll never let you go."
As he says this he leaves into the back of the house.
I'm standing there, looking at my options to make a run for it.
To escape.
I know I have to get out of this house.
I have to run now if I want to make it out alive.
I head for the laundry room, hoping that the back door is unlocked & quiet so he won't hear.
My mom looks at me & whispers, "go."
I open the door, and tip toe out into the snow.
I have nothing, but a shirt, jeans, shoes & my phone in my hand.
I have my back against the wall trying to sneak past every window.
If I can just make it past the house I know I'm free.
Just as I get this thought in my head, I hear a noise coming from inside.
I quickly get down into a corner and hide under two windows.
Hoping he doesn't see me there.
I hold my phone & quickly try to text someone.
I find "My Baby" & try to send a message to him saying, "Help."
But just as I'm about to hit send, I look up & there he is.
His head is sticking out of the window.
The blood dripping out of his grin landing on to my shirt.
I scream.
I know this is it. I won't make it.
I try to run to the street.
I'm so close. Only a few more steps & I can get help.
I can see where the sun is coming in past the drive way.
I see a car pulling into my neighbors house.
I can go there. I reach my hand into the light.
I felt the warmth. The sense of hope.
& right when I saw myself making it out of this one, he grabs me.
I can feel his cold hand on my back. Pulling my shirt.
I'm back into the gray. Back into the cold.
Back into my last hour.
He looks at me & tells me,
"no matter how far,
no matter how long,
I will find you."
I can't hold it in anymore.
I yell, I scream, I kick.
"I hate you!" is all I could say.
He just laughs, because nothing you do, nothing you say, could ever affect someone who is already dead.
He takes me back into the house where I have to watch him beat my mom,
fight my dad, & kill our dogs.
I sit on the floor holding my mom as she cries & I wish I could do something. They want me to stop him.
I can't. I don't know how. I'm just as scared.
I'm terrified he's going to kill me.
But he never does. He never even hits me. It's everyone else around me that he hurts.
It's everyone that I love that he inflicts physical pain on to.
I'm left with the emotional scars.
Emotional damage.
As he walks away from leaving a bloody mess on the kitchen floor, he looks at me one last time & says "you're next."

I wake up.
My heart is beating faster than ever.
I'm sweating. I'm freezing.
I feel like throwing up.

What does this all mean?
Why do the dreams keep coming?
My life is going fine. He's far. He's no where near me.
Why am I so scared of him?
I thought I was okay. I thought things were fine now.

But memories never go away.

So I'm left here,
being haunted.
Haunted by my memories.